Being Free

Bare with me as I know this post is long, I recently just got done reading a book. A book that really changed my view on how I see myself… it’s actually kinda life changing in a way. The book is called “if you only knew my unlikely, unavoidable story of becoming free” by -Jamie Ivey (amazing author btw) If you never read a book by her your missing out) So id like to share a glimpse of my story.. Most of you know I have a son, but very few know my story about my son. In October of 16 I found out I was pregnant I was 18 years old. I was not in a good position in life. I basically was homeless I left my house 3 days before I found out I was pregnant (for many reasons). I was back and forth living with a friend, my grandfather, and my cousin. I knew I could not care for this child I was going to bring into this world in 9 months. I was “stuck”… so I thought. I didn’t believe in abortion. I’m not going to lie it crossed my mind but I know I would never do it. When your pretty much homeless and you find out your pregnant I’m sure the thought would arise in your head too. So I fast forward to having my son. I was in a stable house by that time. I knew I couldn’t stay there though. I knew I had to do something with my life. I prayed and prayed for a answer and one day I got my answer. I found a place who help single mothers and I applied to go to this place… I was accepted! Thank God! As I entered this place I knew it was going to be life changing for my son and I but I didn’t know just how life changing. I came here to raise my child in a safe place and give him a life I never had but little did I know God was preparing my heart to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and will ever do and that was… Adoption! Yes I said adoption. I prayed so long and hard about this decision I went through the process I decided I couldn’t do it. I prayed God give me a sign if this is right let it happen…. sign after sign God gave me I still ignored it because truth be told I loved my baby. He’s the only person in this world I ever felt unconditional love from. I didn’t have the “close family growing up” I lived in a children’s home, I’ve been to the “crazy house”. I’ve had quite the adventure. I knew I wanted more for my son I knew I wanted him to have everything I never did most of all I wanted him to have a family. A mom and dad (his dad was not in the picture) grandparents aunts uncles. LOVE I wanted him to have LOVE! Unconditional Love. God gave me one more sign and I took it and I believe that this was Gods plan for his life. I did Adoption with my sweet sweet boy and let me tell you. Every time I walk in his house and see how loved he is and cared for he is. My heart is filled with joy! He could never want or need for anything. He will never worry where his next meal comes from where he’s gonna sleep at tonight or the next he has a bed to lay his head a table to eat dinner at every night he has a mommy and daddy. (Two mommy’s) but you get my point. I see my son every month. Now if that’s not trusting Gods plan idk what is because anyone who works in the adoption field can tell you that doesn’t happen. A open adoption you get to see your child maybe once a year. Me.. I get to see him pretty much when I ask. Of course I’m considerate of his family’s time. I tell you guys this because I feel free to do so. Before I felt ashamed of myself, I felt guilty, i felt all these kinda things. I would wake up in the morning and pin imaginary words on my shirt. (Failure as a mother, useless, unworthy.) the list goes on. But I’m none of those things I’m God’s Child. What God’s sees me as is all that matter and that’s what this book taught me don’t wake up and pin words on you. Wake up and look in the mirror and see a child of God. See what God created you to be. He needed me he has a purpose for me. Let me tell you there were days ending my life felt better than to roll out of bed and conquer another day. I didn’t wanna live after I made that decision. You know sometimes we have to break our own hearts to save our children and that’s what I did. I’m not any less of a mother because I chose adoption. I loved my baby so much I knew the life he deserved and if I wasn’t able to give him that myself this family I chose I knew they could. It took me a LONG time to open up about this. Over a year actually. I feel free. I feel a weight lifted of my shoulders. I cared about what everyone thought of me, that has held me back my whole life. Feeling like I wanted to fit in and would she wanna be my friend or would he wanna be my friend. I’m sure I asked myself that everywhere I went. But now I have Jesus walking with me why should I care about those things. The only persons opinion that matters to me is the man above. If I’m not pleasing him then I’m living wrong and I need to fix myself. Everyone else it doesn’t matter and I’m so happy to be free of that. It’s crazy what this book did for my life. I challenge you to read this book!

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